Because I’m a man[2].

	Scalpels These are the same things they use to remove your kidneys (or did once upon a time – they probably use lasers now). I cut paper, cardboard and fablon[3] with them. They are thrillingly sharp and are capable of causing, small, deep and fabulously bloody hand-wounds. You can buy replacement blades in boxes of 200, which gives me my only regular opportunity to feel like a psychokiller.
	Compass One of the joys of doing art as an adult is using the grown-up versions of crap equipment you were given at school. Scissors which work. Paint in the colours you actually want to use. And a decent compass. This one has an extendable arm which allows you to draw circles up to 60cm in diameter, and ratchets which enable you to quickly switch from maximum to minimum extension and back without having to rotate the central knob 876 times. It also has a screw-in attachment for a Rotring pen (a glorious instrument which ought, by rights to have its own entry here).
	Pasta Machine I made pasta by hand once. Using a rolling pin. It would have easier to build a car. Now I have this machine (one set of rollers flatten the pasta into a long sheet, the other cuts it into tagliatelle) and it gives me the kind of joy that more rugged men doubtless get from hammer drills and large motorbikes. Ideally, it should be used with a pasta tree, a wooden device which consists of a flat base, a central column and a number of branches on which you hang the pasta. This a) prevents the pasta sticking together as it dries, and b) allows you to hang the pasta attractively in the kitchen so that guests are forced to notice it and comment on your effort and skill.
	Artery Forceps Unless you are a medical person you have probably not seen a pair of these before. They are used to close off arteries and other vessels during surgery. They are the evil love-child that sprang from an illicit union between a pair of long-handled scissors and some needle pliers. They are capable of exerting a blisteringly tight grip on tiny objects in seemingly inaccessible locations. They can pull needles through leather, turn broken-off keys in locks, remove nose hair…
	USB Stick There is a moment in Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire (the film, though not, I think, in the book) when Harry walks into the Weasleys’ tent, discovers it is ten times bigger on the inside than on the outside and says, ‘I love magic’. I am not a techno-nerd but I am occasionally reminded that ordinary people now possess machines which would have seemed like magic twenty years ago. I keep a spare copy of everything I have written on one of these things and it’s smaller than a matchbox. It’s perverse. We stand around waiting for the jet-pack and matter transport, then along comes the internet and cloning and we couldn’t give a monkey’s.
	Leatherman The Swiss Army Knife for the new century. Not terribly exciting, but I use this every week for one reason or another. Screwdrivers. Pliers. Blades. Can opener. I particularly like using it in London, where it gives urban friends and acquaintances the erroneous impression that I can fell trees and skin rabbits (though I can do the same by suggesting we walk a mile instead of taking a taxi).

[1] An idea shamelessly stolen from The Believer magazine’s now-defunct Tool column, though they always reviewed their tools (retractable dog leash, anti-fatigue mat, Invacare folding shower chair…) from a slightly fun-poking distance, whereas I regularly use these items and can earnestly recommend all of them.
[2] Though obviously not a real man because I have included a pasta maker. Yohimbe!
[3] Sticky-back plastic for grown-ups.