I always wanted to be Chris Moyles on the radio because it’s who I am. Especially now when the show is the most honest it’s ever been, but occasionally a situation will arise where I wish that I HAD changed my name to something else. Like the time when Dave and I were involved in a car crash. I say a car crash: some guy flew through the traffic lights and sent us spinning in the middle of the road. The side of my car was smashed in and the car that hit us looked like the engine was now in the back seat. Luckily we were all OK but we were in shock.

I remember feeling fine and then looking down at my hands to see that they were shaking uncontrollably. Dave wanted to sit down and compose himself. I’d never been in an accident like this before so I sat with him for a while and we both just caught our breath. Then we walked to Dave’s house, which was near by, and by the time we got there we had both calmed down a bit. We had a nice strong cup of tea, which, as my mother will tell you, is the solution to almost anything, and then I called the insurance people to inform them of the accident.

‘And what name is it, love?’ said the bored woman on the phone.

‘It’s Moyles. M O Y L E S.’

‘And your first name, love?’ she continued, bored out of her mind.

‘It’s Chris.’

‘Chris Moyles?’ She perked up.

‘Yeah, that’s right.’

‘Oh My God. Really? I can’t believe it. Chris Moyles the DJ? Wow, Chris Moyles.’ Now she was awake. ‘Chris Moyles, how exciting.’ Then all of a sudden her tone changed. ‘Hang on. Am I on the radio right now?’

‘No, you’re not.’ I assured her.

‘I am, aren’t I? I’m live on the radio right now. Is this one of them wind-ups? It is, isn’t it? I’m being wound up, aren’t I?’

‘No, love, I can assure you you’re not being wound up,’ I said, amazed.

‘Are you sure?’ she cackled. ‘Are you sure I’m not on the radio right now?’

I snapped. ‘Yes, I’m sure you’re not on the radio right now. Because I myself am not on the radio right now. In fact, I’m only talking to you BECAUSE I’VE JUST HAD A F*CKING CAR CRASH, YOU STUPID COW!’

Dave looked at up at me. The phone went silent for about two seconds, until I heard, ‘Are you sure?’

It’s a small price to pay for keeping my real name and my real identity. The idea of saying something like this on the radio every morning:

‘Good morning, everybody, this is Tarzan Moyles here on Radio 1!’

really doesn’t appeal. And sure, occasionally I will get grief because I am known by my real name, but at least I don’t get grief AND have a silly made-up name. That must be even worse. In fact, I was having this conversation only last night with my good friend Mike Hunt. You wouldn’t believe the problems this boy has!